week22

This is week 22
since you walked away
fresh wounds agains
what was becoming a simple scar
became a flood of blood in my mind
this weekend
i went to the mt
as i started to feel the cold
the smell of damp wood
the mist around
i realized
im just were i begun
thinking about you
just running away from memories
just trying to hide my pain from people
just being a lovely doll
I was with the person i like
it was weird cuz he asked me something
i can not remember now
and to my response
"im just good pretending to be a doll"
he repplied "i know"
Arend at work just does not look at me
probably his feelings for me resume to hate
better having him hating me
than the previous situation
i know you are sick
i wish i could just pet you
until you get better
last weekend was weird
all this week has being weird
i need to feed
not to eat but to feed
im too weak
im always sleepy
i need to sleep a lot
leo said i need to feed
i need to learn how to feed as a vampire
because i have awaken
but i still cant take what i need
to keep my energy up
i planted the edelweiss seeds
i take dedicated care of them
so i can have an edelweiss in my hand
i had a dream
involving edelweiss flowers
i have 2 more new piercings
in each side of the hips
i got them on saturday
saturday was a random day
i feel like cooking something weird
but i dont cook to myself
and after this weekend i give up cooking for the person i like
i wish to just stare at the stars
the pain is comming back
the waves are crashing again in my shores
is just me again
its just me
thsi weekend i will just see kro
and isaac, becauise kro is having a crisis
and then ill sleep my pain away....
maybe that is why i feel the urge to pierce myself
to balance pain internally with pain externally
i have certain disgust for my own self
Fabio contacted me
he wants ME to forgive him
i dont know if i am wrong
but if someone abused you
you dont just forgive them
and reminded me
how miserable i am
i disgust myself now... again
im just where i was
so im just gonna ease myself tonight
as the ghost i am to you now
hidden under the scense
of a white flower
in the night
this is just week 22
i wonder how you are
love of my life?


Sabrina
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quote of the week
"Alguien te amo; algún día, alguien te amo por tus sonrisas, por tus palabras tan sinceras. Alguien te amo; algún día, por lo que fuiste, por lo que has sido, y por lo que ahora eres. Alguien te amo; algún día, por tu silueta al sol, por tu cabello al viento. Alguien te amo; algún día, con todos tus defectos, por todas tus virtudes. Alguien te amo; algún día, aunque dijo que no lo hacia, aunque quizá pronto lo olvide. Algún día...Alguien te amo...* BY Genious
Visita su blog... http://www.mygenius05.blogspot.com/

-SONG of the week

blind by lifehouse
I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as you turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like it was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

After all this war
Would you ever wanna leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you will ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

week21

this is week 21 since you left
I am seeying someone else
Im kind of dating someone
but there is you in my mind
even when i try to push you away
i like that person
he makes me feel just allright
but everytime i stop looking
into0 the eyes of that person
is you who comes to my mind
what do i do?
what do i do to stop this?
is not fair for him
but im not so strong to continue
i need to take you out
this does not mean to stop loving you
just to move your memory to the back of my heart
this week so many things happened
i dont think this week you even
notized the blood red carnation
or maybe you did and you just dont care
i saw piks of you in luna
i dont understand why i seek to hurt myself even more
im trapped, caged, hidden
in this 4 walls
Sometimes i stay in the same position
of minutes
even hours
a blank stare
im pretty darn good in pretending to be a Doll
even in public
just a lifeless broken doll
why you do this, mind on fine?
i miss him
i miss you neko
saturday last week i did nothing
just stood at home
on sunday i visited Andre
the person i like
the person i date
i can only see him on weekends because
he works at night
at hp...how Ironic
Arend hates me
he does not even talk to me
thios week was hell
avoiding him on the hal;l
trying to hide
but at the very least
i dont have to worry about things i do might affect him
he wrote some kind of letter
24 pages long
explaining so many things
i showed it to isac
he stated "bullshit, everything on this letters is bullshit, he was a jelous posessive person with you, he did this just to make you feel bad about you looking for your happiness, for once, you can be with whoever you may and ill be ok, because is you" or something like that
thats why i trust so much in Issaac
he tells the awful truth the way it is
at the end we both laughed
neko i miss you
this week
from switzerland
seeds arrived
i asked for edelweiss seeds
so i can plant them and grow them on my own
fuck, ill plant them and grow them and they will be flowers
and when i got a flower
it would be somehow delivered
and im no promising athing
cuz shit im tired of promising
im tired of promises
that are ALWAYS broken
while im stuck here
keeping mines
everywhere i go
is completely full of memories
what do i have to do, damn it?
so i can have u back
i dont want, i just cant and i wont be on your way
but oh how i do miss you!
if someday ure just tired of everything
when everyone had let you down
ill be right here
if only
you called me
use me
just use me
when ure sick
use me
ill take care of you
when you are tired
sad
had a bad day
use me
i just want to be close to you
randall... always talks to me
happy of how great his job is
next to you
it hurt me
im happy for him
but i just dont wanna talk about it
We agreed to meet this sunday
but im just gonna hide
im envous
he can see you always
while is me who literally mourns
for you, for your simple presence
because means talking bout you
i miss you
fuck i miss you
i just wait
i wanna be in complete numbness
i say for me is easy to be a doll
an accesory for people
but it required to keep this constant numbness
this numbness state tire me
wash my energy
and happiness away
my whole sanity
this is week 21
since you walked away
i wonder how you are doing
sweet love of mine

Sabrina
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Quote of the week:
"It's so easy, To think about Love, To Talk about Love, To wish for Love, But it's not always easy, To recognize Love, Even when we hold it.... In our hands."


song of the week
Numb by linkin park
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
?Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me
With someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

week20

this is my 20ths week crying
silently crying
This week was quite a mess
quite a mess
Choco got terribly mad at me
because i mentioned him
i liked his friend Andre
he, is just a nice person
i really like him
everyone told me he is up to no good
but who cares
if someone plays with me again
i know what is the protocol
weep some months
pull myself together
then go out again into the world
so the next idiot can break me down
i really hope
i dont get broken hearted again
not so fast
because im not done
gathering the pieces of me around
anyway
i like Andre
even when the objects of my nightmares
is you
last weekend
i stood with him
i had a nice weekend
for once in a while
i was really stressed last saturday
because he asked me to go to Acid bar ith him
Fabio is always at acid
thats bastard
i swear i wouldnt mind to get my hands dirty
just to catch him
for all he did to me
i still feel dirty
i still feel sick
the nausea wont wash away
and i guess
if i dont take care of myself
no oneat this point will
about Arend....
He said good bye
i warned him
hell i tried to warn him
that i was a bad person
that i wanted nothing more than a friendship
i tried
but at the end
he chose the path i chose too
and ended broken hearted
maybe is a clue that i would be broken hearted soon too
leo told me being pretty is a curse
i dont even consider myself a pretty girl
i see thousands of defects in myself
otherwise if i were as perfect as he said
you wouldnt had walked away
i have been in this nightmares again
almost every night again
with the paralyzis again
i cry here in my room at night
so when sun rises
i have the strength to smile
endure
and keep up to other peoples spectations
still
i wait
whenever you are tired of everything
ill be right here
ill be right here waiting
i will not be around
so you keep rejecting me and hurting me
all you will know about me
is just a lilium scented shadow
swift, random, sporadic, silent
a faceless ghost
until you decide is time
to stop playing around
maybe all your life you will play
maybe some day you will wake up
and realize the dream is gone
when everyone else
let you down
ill be here
right here
i am the hand you dont want to take
but mine is the hand that will be first avaliable
is 345 am
i saw the pik in facebook
of you in code
this is all i am
a ghost in your past.
my feelings have not changed
ever since we danced under fireflies.
i miss you
i wish you would come back
but
i guess im just too low life
to be worth even looking at anymore.

Song of the week day light by ron pope
I've seen sad
Dark times
And I have waited for the sun to rise

I've seen sad
Dark times
And waited for rain
All I know is whenever I am far from home
There are nights when words seem out of place

Ba da da

I have walked alone and the stars have tried to guide me home

I have walked alone
Lost in the fog
All I find are faded pictures from a distant life
And I wish to God I could see your eyes

Ba da da

I ain't got no magic potion
All I know is that we're better of together than we ever were alone
So if you let me try
Just give me time,
Oh
Woman I will find a way to help you ease your troubled mind

Ba da da

If the morning comes I'll be thankful just to see the sun
But the daylight seems so far away

Ba da da


quote of the week
A friend who is far away is sometimes much nearer than one who is at hand. Is not the mountain far more awe-inspiring and more clearly visible to one passing through the valley than to those who inhabit the mountain?
Kahlil Gibran

week19

week 19
19 weeks since you cut the lace
its been 6 months
its been 186 days since everything started
should i count hours and minutes?
ive been waking up a lot lately
i feel like going away again,
running away from people
i have cried a lot again as well
i miss you...
liliums only make me remember your name
what do i have to do
for you to look at me
i cry form my insides
just for that warm huig that never reaches me
im just crying my6 eyes out to feel
your lips colliding to mines
Victor told me to dissapear from your life
im trying to
but your memory just call me back
call me to my field of fireflies and sweet smells
Im not half of the person i used to be
Im not half the person you remember
if i couldnt keep you then
how do i pretend
why do i even pretend to try?
Im just a shelf Doll
Everyday i try to see the daylight
but all i see is the sun, burning my skin from my insides
blood lust cover my nights
as all i think is in blank
and my heart feel numbness untill i finally
from exhaustation
fall sleep
Im working hard to be better
so maybe just maybe
you can look at me
but
all i do is getting away from home
i will never ahve a home
beliefs taught me
home is where your loved ones are
my loved one is far from me
all i have is 4 empty walls
and faint memories
and a scream inside my throat
that burns me,
desperatedly trying to choke upon my name
i just look at the stars everynight
wishing you are well
wishing you are happy
I just cant wish for you to be here
if i no longer am able to return the cheerful smile in your face
and that beautiful bright of your eyes
im kind of sick right now
im freezing and with Fever
so probably im just babling around
but
in my dreams
all i want is to be next to you
i wait for rain to fall
so my cheeks wont look so wet by tears
i dont even know who i am anymore
is like walking i the middle of the mist
seeing a shadow that always keeps its distance
never reaching for it
im a doll
im a doll
im a shelf doll
empty inside
spirited crushed inside
just a blank mask
I miss you....
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Song of the week From Autumn to Ashes : All I Taste Today Is What's Her Name

The tears suspend.
Smiles are not more than (empty love)
Locked doors can keep you alone
Forever paint words (from your lips) in a house that's no longer your home
Take the dreams I know (as my own) and it worsens weekends
Thanks again for my misery. And you run with fake friends
I'm sick of your sad songs and sing alongs.
I kind of like it when things are wrong.
Straight from left end,
They'll shout corrections,
And I'll decline, I'll decline
A source of comfort or some protection
And I'll decline


Quote of the week:

I think I'm much less self confident today. I actually went through a quite painful period because of that thinking that I was completely hopeless. But I think that's something that we all go through at various times of our lives and it was quite a sustained thing with me.
Hugo Weaving

week18

this is week 18 since you walked away
you told me to stay away from you
you asked me lo leave you alone
here i am
leaving you alone
i talked with arend
i wish he understand i dont need a guardian angel
i dont need someone alway there
because i like my loneliness
thw way it is
this week i was trained with more skills
maybe is my attitude
but work is becoming a lot more heavy
anyway, i still like it
im gonna take victors advise
even if you look for me or talk to me
i will run away from you
you will hurt me
you cant decide what you want
i learned
im good at pretending to be a doll
bitter inside
a beautiful mask on the outside
so anyone can play with me...
be happy...be glad
you DO honor your nickname
spirit crusher suicide bastard
i dont want to feel anymore
always people pushing me forward
cant they see im right here
i WANT to stay right here
with only myself
i dream this week weird stuffz
i dreamt i was a thief
in the medieval age
i was long haired
and was very skinny
i was always running away from people
i had always blood in my hands
i was always hunted down.
Rosemary is barely hear until recently
she has been out twice this week
once on friday night
i dont remember how i got home
i just woke up
with a dont know how many benadryl insidethe second time was on weekend
on saturday Arend asked me to help him pick a dog
for his new house
we went to animal shelder
and found a beautiful what i think could be an alaskan mallamut
then choco invited me to casa rock
i drank 4 vodka shots, 2 black smirnoffs, and i loose the count of jaggers
i met a guy called Andre
for some reason
that guy calls my attention
not by heart
is more the curiosity a cat feels for a moving bug
choco warned me he is up to no good
at this point im awesome pretendig to be a doll
so everyone can play with me
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song of the week
Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person,
and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
and to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
You let this one person come down in the most perfect moment.
And it breaks my heart to know the only reason you are here now is a reminder of what I'll never have...
I'll never have... I'll never...
Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in...
standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in...
But this table for one has become bearable.
I now take comfort in this, and for this, I cherish you.
Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person
and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
and to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
And you let this one person come down...come down...I cherish you...I cherish you.
Just say that you would do the same for me...
just say you would do the same for me...
just say you would do the same...
just say you would do the same, for me
For as much as I love Autumn,
I'm giving myself to Ashes

Quote of the week
"I had a dream and it was about you ...
I smiled and recalled the memories we had ...
then I noticed a tear fell from my eyes ... you know why?
Coz in my dream you kissed me and said goodbye ." by annon