happy birthday

I miss you on your birthday,
Not only for your smile,
But for the piece of me that's gone,
Left within your care.

I'm in an empty hallway
And have been for awhile,
Gazing inwardly towards home,
Neither here nor there.

How quickly we've turned distant!
The months pass by like years.
How could friends so inseparable
So soon seem so apart!

How imprecise the instant
Held hostage by my tears!
Though Time may seem insatiable,
I have you in my heart.

Rosemary´s Inferno

Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding someone to live for, great enough to die for because there is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy. We are all lonely for something we don't know we´re lonely for... How else to explain the curious feeling that goes around ? Feeling like missing somebody we´ve never even met? The end comes when we no longer talk with ourselves. It is the end of genuine thinking and the beginning of the final loneliness... its called insanity.
The remarkable thing is that the cessation of the inner dialogue marks also the end of our concern with the world around us. It is as if we noted the world and think about it only when we have to report ourselves. With some people solitariness is only an escape not from other but to themselves.For they see in the eyes of others only a reflecction of themselves...
It is loneliness that make the loudest noise, This is true as men as dogs...If you are alone you belong entirely for yourself. If you are accompanied by even one companion you belong only have to yourself, even less, in proportion of the thoughtlessness of his conduct; and if you have more than one companion you will fall deeply into the same plight.
But the loneliest it gets when the wind begins to chill and when i sit atop of your old street. The withered flowers brings a still emptiness to me. There is nothing i would rather do than have my heart broken by you. Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the spaces between the notes and curl my back to loneliness as I was before...just recalling and going back in time... I feel like trapped, There is a cold wind blowing softly through a narrow , dark ravine. A sound is heard, soft and everywhere, like the rustle of silk. It echoes from every dismal reaching corner of the abyss, and whispers of the aching loneliness within the crevasse. A cold blue-white light transcends an aura of weird lifelessness to the jagged rocks of the cleft walls. There appears a soul within all of this, like a thin frail mist, congealing within its center a tiny translucent gray cloud. Each person was to himself alone. One oneness, a unit of society, but always afraid, always alone. If i should scream, if i should call for help, would anyone hear? Would it even matter?. my throat begs for it...Its burning to yell, but why? You wont even listen to me? They say time takes it all, whether you want it or not, i don't believe time can heal, i believe you decide the time to heal, whether to heal or to remain wounded and bleeding. But time takes away, and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes i find others in darkness, and sometimes i lose them there again. And i look again towards the sky as the raindrops mix with the tears i cry. Tears Idle tears, i know not what they mean. Tears from the depth of some divine despair rise in the heart and gather to the eyes, In looking on the happy Autumn fields, And thinking of the days that are no more. Do you seriously think that blood is the only thing in this world that is colored red?. A feeling that everything must end, the music, ourselves, the moon, everything. That if you get to the heart of things you find sadness for ever and ever, everywhere: But a beautiful silver sadness, I believe where there is sorrow, there is holy ground; Sometimes to realize you were well, someone must come along and hurt you, sometimes even yourself, I'm not as dumb as you think i am. I´ve learned a thing or two. I don't care about nothing at all, but i think in the world of YOU. They say to the world you maybe only a person but to one person you may be the world, for me the world is you as you are my world. But i was born to lose, Ive lived what i have lived of my life full of regrets full of memories, almost in vain if it weren't because of you. All my dreams have only caused me pain. Most part of my life i have been so blue. Born to lose and now im loosing you, the only one i cared, maybe i already did lost you but i pretend to be blind enough to ease the pain. The joy of life and its affairs of happiness digress into a pain of lost height. So, in all happiness there is sadness. That of a depressed state of losing, a time which no enjoyment can fervor the full amount because of the hidden realization of drowning the opposites. Love is the distance between reality and pain. I´ve learned to live with the pain. I wont know who i am without it. The pain is unrelenting; one does not abandon even briefly, one´s bed of nails, but is attached wherever you go. Who needs love when you got a gun? this is not the end, is not even the beginning of the end but is the end of the beginning...Rose thorns are not enough piercing as the needles... All i wanted is your shoulder to lay on, eternally. I love you, Cant stop the fire in my lungs that burns my throat and shut my mouth I tried to whisper to yell to shout to and gossip to scream and shut up... useless...looks like its not understandable, like echoes of soundless prayers.
I'm in charge of this Inferno and i don't think i can pull up the fight for far too long, not without explanations.

you are not alone.

Lost in darkest blue
Endless labyrinths weaving though
Will you stagger on,
with no star to light your way?
Share with me your tears
All your troubles and deepest fears
I remember when
you chased all my shadows away

Won't you take my hand?
Come away with me from this land
Let me give to you
all that you have given to me
Fly horizon bound
Find the moon behind darkening clouds
Even far apart,
know our souls together will be

When the storm draws nigh
Dreams will shatter before your eyes
Know that you're not alone
When the battle starts
I will comfort your restless heart
You'll know that you are home

When your stars stop shining
Endless vines around you winding
Know that you're not alone
I will give my all
So your tears will no longer fall
Down, down on sorrow's stone


Look into my eyes
All eternity you will find
In this fragile heart,
know that you will always belong
Shout into the night
Show the darkness that you will fight
Hopeless you may feel,
but inside I know you are strong

Keep me in your heart
So we'll never be far apart
Let the bonds of love
break these chains imprisoning you
Always you will find
Shadows lingering close behind
Lift your spirits now,
We shall be together soon

I Dont believe i can take it anymore...

I cant take it anymore
Someone told me
suicide is only an option
when you had the most perfect day of your life
and you fear
tomorrow will be a shit again
how i am longing for that perfect day
i cant stop the tears
i cant die
but how i wish the hole in my chest heals
how i wish to scream out loud
i love you so much
that i hate you!
i cant sleep
there is no second
in which a memory of us pierce open my heart
WHY THE FUCK DID YOU MADE ME FEEL SUCH ILLUSION!!!!!
if we would break up clean
but after we broke
you saw me
you said you still liked me
you hugged me
you kissed me
you even physically "loved" me
was i AGAIN A DAMN DOLL?!?!?!!?!?!?!
As always
as every person i have ever met and get involved with
a toy...?
i do my best
but hey im not good
now that i need someone
who i can trust
i realized
there is no one there!!!!!
i pushed everyone away
the person i love the most
my grandmother
is being eaten inside out by a bacteria
her face is already full of wounds
and scars
i got no one
i have never ever felt so desperate
i have never felt so let down
I never felt this way
I just want this pain to end
but my grandmother is what keeps me going
for her i fight
i never felt so small
so defenseless
i just need a hug
a caring one
my grandmother cant do it anymore
her disease is highly contagious
she wont let me get near her
and she is now the only thing i have left.
I cant
I cant take it anymore
this pain is busting out my chest
fill my lungs with cold air
making it hard to breathe
is there any human
out there
anyone
who can actually show me
humanity is not only the cold programmed mass
of bastards, liars, sluts, sons of a bitch and cheaters?
Isnt there anyone who can actually call me
to see how am i doing!
i feel so abandoned
by people
by human touch
by love
by hope
by you
even by life
i dont need to suicide
i am already a fucking marionette
i am every person little jock
i am every person porcelain doll
i am every person broken princess
i am every person toxik toy
you know what is the funny part
Even if these words are desperate
full of hate
and despair
each piece of my bleeding heart
loves you
each small piece of sanity that in me remains
desperately wish you to be back
my chest experience
physical pain
each time
the though of not being with you anymore
comes to my mind
I cant take it anymore
my mind cant
my soul cant
my heart cant
But as long as my body walks
and my heart beats
and my lungs breathe
i will wait for you
and keep fighting for her.