Beggining of week 13... this weekend needs its own entry...

Fucked up....
akward....
strange....
the whole weekend i actually planned...
was drastically changed, and not for best
since on friday you did not confirmed a thing
i incidentally mentioned to kro
that i would go to the park
i didnt even wanted to go
i did because some people made me promise i would
i did not wanted to even see kro that day
not because i did not missed her, just because i was not on the mood
to pretend
i wonder
why are you thinking little kitten?
on friday, or better said saturday early morning
when you talked to me...
I will not lie
Sometimes even for me is hard to understand you
lately... I dont know what you want me to do
after friday, i just wrote a small letter, i had hopes...lil, newborn hopes
i after the park, kro asked me if she could stay home, previously i had
say yes, so i had to get rid of her, for her to not to be alone
she just broke with Mario
i feel such as a bad friend
i invented i had to do soomething early on sunday
and left her at isaacs house
luckily isaac understood
and hel;ped me out.
at 7 something i took the bus
from isaacs place
to your house
i was just going to leave a white rose
i looked for a lilium
but looks this is no liliums season
i just wanted
you to go to mt
talk to me
i just wanted to hug you
im tired of hugging myself at nights
and tired of digging my nails in my back
to drown the pain
is like waves
sometimes they come
and only caress my skin
but i am always in the water
and sometimes there are storms
with enourmous waves i can not stand
and then i fall
look for air to breath
try to hold to something
anything to not to fall and keep falling
then, after all the sorrow
is again calmness
the problem is that i dont know when the next wave would come
there were two guys i believe your neighbors
bothering me as i waited for you
your car was not outside
so at like 10.00 Pm i decided to leave,
i was hoping to see you
i know there was a huge possibility you were at sand
or somewhere with you r girl.
a few ill intentioned persons have told me they see you around
even though they know every new they could give me, make me sad, made me hurt.
i guess i have made quite a lot of enemies
for my behaviour in society
in this past weeks.
anyway, it was a cold misty night
but i had to go... i regreted at the point of making my lips bleed
when you logged in
and asked why didnt i wait
havent i been waiting since february, little kitten?
i wait, i always had, and i plan to keep on doing it
i slept just a few hours
i woke up very early
and made some shopping to make the swedenbakks
i made four of them
i used a different recipe
i guess i was happy and creative on sunday morning
i used your so very loved maple, mixed with vanilla and cinnamon
heated it at the boiling point
of caramelizing and then
stuck the tosts a few seconds
enough to create a hard cover on the tips
of mapple and vainilla.
i went to your work
because you told me you could not go to the mt
so i decided to deliver breakfast
because you told me you had to work.
i guess i just dont think straight sometimes
i guess i was not smart enough to think that yo will work a home,
so i went to the tree
left two sweedenbacks in there
ants swiftly covered the candy coated stuffs
i stood next to the tree,
i was making bubbles
i carried at that time a small bottle
of bubble soap and a ring
so i stood playing
i probably looked like idiot
crying and playing with bubbles a sunday afternoon
next to a tree in the middle of an empty property
that happens to be in the middle of the city.
but, maybe i am, and i am more than satisfied if someone would consider me an idiot
i have never cared enough about what people think
a strong wave got me completely unprotected
at 2 oclock i realized
i had somewhere to go
at heredia rain started
whats a lil of rain?
i forgot my sweater
but who cares
i just went to the mt anyway,
i had an appointment to go
i reached the river at 3.30
it was not rainning anymore, it was pouring
i just left the other 2 sweedenbakk in the rocks
and just played in the river
i was freezing
but somehow i felt my face like burning
with time i realized
i did not feel my body
after all i left my shoes and the leggins
at the riverside
i was just wearing a skirt
and a regular tshirt
i dived for a ltlle while at the river
i felt nothing
then i realized i was sleepy
so i took my clothes on again
and just ran
to heat my body
because i was too sleepy
i caught the bus
i dont remember my way home
i was way too tired
i got home, i remember my grandmother offered a warm glass of milk
which i refused.
and i went to bed
i was tired
i was freezing
i was sad
but unable to sleep
i dont remember the hour
i lastly looked at the clock.
and on monday you just decide to call
after kind of a middle serious fight with my grandma
because of the food again
because i rejected soup
and warm orange sweet.
i decided to just avoid more issues
and with all the regrets i know i woul have latter
told you i was not able to give you house that night
you came still
i was so nervous
why after everything
you can still make my heart beat fast
and my face blush
is funny at the Am, there was that sound playing at the back, that song...
why when i am with you
EVERYTHING must have that perfect timing?
-I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh, god it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home sitting all alone inside your head

How do you feel? That is the question
But I forget.. you don't expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes
Initialized and folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You can't expect a bit of hope
So while you're outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me

Cause I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

How much is real? So much to question
An epidemic of the mannequins
Contaminating everything
When thought came from the heart
It never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises
(Null and void instead of voices)
Before you tell yourself
It's just a different scene
Remember it's just different from what you've seen

I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
And all I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That shine for you
And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That lie to you.. yeah-ah

I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh, god it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your heaaaaddd

And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That shine for you.. yeah-ah
And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That lie to you.. yeah-ah

And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That shine for you.. yeah-ah
And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That lie to you.. yeah-ah yeah

Ohhhoh when the starrs
Ohhh oh when the starrrrs that liieee....

should i be happy because you and you girl have issues
but if that makes you unhappy
then i rather see you happy
besides, there is nothing certain when it comes to you
you are like the wind
and i like to think of myself
as the leave that is always subject
to the uncertainness and the directions of the breeze
what should i do, little neko, what should i do?
always wondering, but always close enough.

Ths weekend i listened a lot to the ending of chobits
the last chapter ending

Chobits
I hear you everywhere

kurai yoru no yami no kaze no naka de
shizuka ni sotto me o samasu toki
douka saisho ni utsuru sono sekai ga
mimi ni fureru sono koe ga
kyou mo ano hito de aru you ni
soko kara subete ga umarete
dare mo ga kurushimanai de sumu you ni
ano HITO to no machi ga suki
ano HITO to no ame ga suki
ano HITO to no oto ga suki
I hear you everywhere
tsumetai asa hanareteitta toshite mo
sora wa nan no ichibu nandarou
kitto chiisana hanabira mitai ni
wazuka de kasuka de
ki ni mo tomenai you na
ooki na sora ga sono ue o iku
hateshinai yozora
anna fuu ni naretara
chikaku ni iraretara
subete o wake atte iketara ii no ni
ano HITO to no sora ga suki
ano HITO to no uta ga suki
ano HITO to no oto ga suki
I hear you everywhere
kikoeteru yo
mou aenai to wakatte mo
ano HITO to no sora ga suki
ano HITO to no uta ga suki
ano HITO to no oto ga suki
I hear you everywhere
kikoeteiru yo
mou aenai to wakatte mo
-------------------------------------------
In the dark wind of a murky night
When I awake quietly and softly
Please let the world that reflects first
Let the voice that touches my ears
Be him for today, too
Please let everything be born from there on
And let no one live while suffering
I love the town that he is at
I love the rain that he is in
I love the sound that he is with
I hear you everywhere
Even if we became separated in the cold morning
I wonder what the sky is a part of
Surely, it's like a little flower petal
Just barely there and faint
The great sky that I can't even seem to keep my mind on
Goes beyond that
An endless night sky-
Though I'd like it if I become like that
If I can be close to you
If I can share everything with you
I love the sky that he is under
I love the song that he has
I love the sound that he is with
I hear you everywhere
I hear you
Even if I knew that I can't see you anymore
I love the sky that he is under
I love the song that he has
I love the sound that he is with
I hear you everywhere
hear you
Even if I knew that I can't see you anymore
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I had been thinking, about eyes, about your smell and your eyes, i dont have a quote for this weekend, nothing was present in my mind, this weekend i had more to tell than sometimes complete weeks, always when you are involved my life becomes more interesting and enjoyable.All i can think as quote right now is, as i told you more than a year ago: "no necesitas ojso verdes, tus ojos morenos son lo que mas me cautiva". tomorrow will be my 13th monthversary, i guess i would have to limit myself to yearn your absence as the last few months.hey dont get me wrong, while you learned to say gomenasai, i never forgot to say aishiteiru neko chan.

week12

Confused...
why am i doing this to myself?
this last days
watching the rain falling
would i grieve what have no name?
would i bleed you to death?
I was kind of hurted this week
i kind of waited you called
this weekend
happened many things, so fast.
shivah dies, literally in my arms
death is a cold, sweet deliverer
is the agony that scars the soul.
is the agony who laughs and enjoys looking down
no mercy
no sound
no last breath
is weird
how the same second your heart stops beating
the coldness spread all over your body
and sudenly you are free, no more pain
no more tears, no more anything....
it is an awfully cold night,this one
i have been in a very bad mood actually, with everyone
i guess the lack of sleep is finally working on me
i am eating better at least
and I am doing better at job
next week i will have the uats
certificationcalls
pff why everyone says i will do fine
why everyone just think i know everything
and take me for granted
I MUST do fine
sometimes i push myself too much
but is ust because i am stubborn
on saturday i went to multiplaza with isaac and leo
we had gelatto
kind of reminded me of us
i suddenly feel not too fond of multiplaza
why your memory have to be everywhere?
at work
i developed an adiction
to foogos, the smothies they sell
in the floor they always ask for smoothies
i changed my foods to one strawberry cranberry smoothie
not so healty but better than nothing
Sometimes i sit in my room
and think about leo
he is so like me
He is so what i used to be
always scared of hurting people
the people he love
and not being him who hurt them
i know who it is
and i wish i could help him better
but, She does not talk anymore
is funny, he hates me, as much as he loves me
i wish i was a better friend to him
Sometimes i wish even
because i know he deserve it
i wish i could share his feelings
but again
Im a stubborn hag
and Im done with Lies.
I had again the dream
well, is always not the same
but a white horse
the autumn
and me, caged
and i remember the conversation
about the white horse in my dreams we had
I wake up always cold
I long your hugs more than anything
I would be happy, as never in such a long time
to just caress your cheek with my hand
more than to be hugged
i miss to hug you
you know why i call you mouse?
mice have a small heart, fragile, they must not startle
or their <3 just literally xplode
mice are fragile, have to be handled carefully
because they are so tiny
you can squish them if you grab them too hard
but have to hold them strong enough
or maybe they could run away
they get confused easy
just like you
and most important
mice are always misunderstood
just for the fame that preceed them
just because they were born that way
and just a few people see they as the tiny
fragile little balls of fur
they really are
is funny
i waited
online
on friday
you logged in
and said nothing about my invitation
i though
you changed your mind again
like when you talked to me on msn
a few weeks ago
when you said you might take back those words you said
i just though
you decided no need to take them back
and then you wake me up
at 4 oclock in the morning
how did i woke up
i dont know
why did i left that only day the PC on
when lately i just give a shit and leave
only itunes, and always exit msn early
I will not be able to see the text you said you send me
I have not connected my cell yet
the guy who was supposed to meet with me
to buy th e phone
said still no satios were received this week
so no cellphone yet, fuck.
anyway, i DO believe yo spy on me sometimes
there is no way you can always know
when i need to hear of you
previous to making an stupid/reckless/stubborn/xtreme/or even important decisions
your mind works in mysterious ways little mouse
sometimes i give myself to wonder
wondering hurts
but also makes me loose myself
in my own daydream of you
i could not see you
the camera was notworking so i could
not see your face
idied to took at your face
is that kind of venom
you know is toxik, you know it will hurt, you know you dont have to
but you have to, because is sweet,and you love it
like a taboo
today i took kro with me at the park
is was cool lots of people
from work, and kro there
and then we went to isaac house
i left her with him today
kro broke with mario
is funny
we were on tha way to
isaacs house
and she stopped to look a flower
in a flowershop
it was a orange daisy
i dont know why
but i had to buy her the damn orange daisy
her face, for a moment looked lonely
i know the feeling, i know even if she does not want to admit it
she somehow is hurted by everything with mario
a flower is always good for a girl heart
specially if it comes from someone else
i guess she have her girly sides too
i could not tell her my plan
she is way too oversensitive
about love topics right now
i got a white rose
at night, just like old times
i hope you see my white rose at your doorstep
and i hope you see the letter
if all you told me was real
if you feel and you want to just
sit in front of a fireplace
with me
walk in the mountain at night and get two doggies
play with us
then why are we doing this
why do we have to be appart?
why can we just...
can still say gomenasai
and i do blindly believe it
i believe in fairy tales after all
i imagine them, they look beautiful in my head
tomottow,
or well
today
i will wait for you
at 4 pm
in the fireflies path
next to the river
maybe
just maybe
is not too late
but if you dont make it
i guess i will understand.
this is week 12
since you walked away
Would you be my Acacia
and let me give you
the clock in my heart?
how was your week
my everafter love?
--------------------------------------sabrina-----------------------------
song of the week: 4000 rainy nights by Stratovarius

hese empty days are filling me with pain
After I left it seems my life is only rain
My heart is longing to the better times
When everything was still so fine

I wonder why it happens so fast
You give your heart away knowing it might not last
I'm still here waiting for the rain to fall
And to see you once again

4000 Rainy Nights
4000 Nights I'd be with you
4000 Rainy Nights with you

I keep your memory in my heart
You give me hope when everything is so dark
That thing nobody can take away
Forever in me

4000 Rainy...

Quote of the week: is a poem by the gallant lord byron: when we two parted....
When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that our foretold
Sorrow to this.

In secret we met -
In silence I grieve,
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee! -
With silence and tears


Why i am writting this much now?
because i know now you do read me. so i feel happy at least
letting you know i am keeping my promise
and i will keep it
not because i promised to you
but is an oath to myself.
with all my heart i wish
you came today.
all i can do as always is wonder
and hope
always subject to uncertainness.
but somehow
today i am not crying
i would like you to see me smile,as you knew me
many many months ago.
i love you

WEEK11

awake....

fully awake...

i though i was moving on...

i though i was strong enough...

to live up to your memory

on tuesday i had

what i call

a "despertonazo"

even almost 3 months later

i though the times when i had those kind of experiences were over

is like if someone sudenly drop a bucket of iced water

all over your body

usually start with uneasyness and anxiety

and then colors start to change

usually become cyann or magenta

so all around me had a magenta tone on it

world was magenta and black

then the nausea begin

and then i became dizzy

then, i just got blind

everything is faded in black

this usually last only a few seconds

yesterday it lasted what i believed between 3 to 5 minutes

i had to go to the bank yesterday so i took the 5pm bus at ultra park

there was a lot of traffic so i started to see elfen lied in the ipod

when the driver made stop in front of subway

and opened the door

with all the rain

the cold and humid air

hit my face

and i sensed the drops of rain

i got off the bus

at the second i stepped on the street side

everything started

the world became magenta and then black

i knew i was in front of subway

so blindly i reached the crystal window

and stood there waiting

until everything went back to normal

i am used to this kind of sensations

a few seconds

but it lasted minutes

and then

the feelings started to wake up

all in a sudden

like swallowing an ice cube

it automatically came to my mind

the chorus of the song i was listening

when i was waiting for you

at your street

the night i was going to pick my stuffz

"just promise to keep your heart broken"

and my olfative memory recalled

your perfume

i have a very good memory

i remember the people by their smell

i remember the cologne my ex ex used

when we dated for the first time

i remember the smell of my english teacher perfume

the day i graduated

i remember the smell of my mom perfume

the day she pulled my hair all the way upstairs

so there is no way i can missmell your perfume

cold by benetton...

i sensed that smell

almost tasted the rash of the alcohol in my mouth

so i know

no one was near me wearing that cologne

it was a memory

like everything else

so i stood touching the crystal wall

in the rainy night

until i felt better

then it came

again the coldness in my chest

again the shaking in my hands

again, all over again, chills down the spine

the scream burning my throat

my stomach writhing in pain

and me grinning my teeth to not to burst in tears

then i ran, all the way to the bus stop

it was raining, i waited for the bus

completely absort in my own thoughts

i got home, said hi to mom and dad

said i was going to sleep

and shut my door

then i tried to let the pain out

the only was i could think of

but...

writting, or drawing did no good

is in those times

when the insanity is just way too much

i looked for a blade

but could not find one sharp enough

so i just screamed

drowning my yells with pillows

and having synthetic dreams

again the sleep paralysis

at least that night

i could go back to sleep quickly

or at least i lost my memory and conciousness

my mom said i scream

in the first hours of dawn

but i dont remember having an attack

when i woke up

i believed it was over

but it has not..

all Wednesday i stood "awake"

completely "awake"

that's why i said

sometimes i believe you spy on me...

funny you remembered about the bungee jumping

funny you were actually sharp and accurate

to mention it THAT day

out of nowhere

then...

i had the stupid idea

of test myself

on wednesday night

one simple test i said

a small proof of my endurance

as soon as i got out of my work

and as fast as i could, went home

i relaxed, took a hot bath

drank a glass of oath

took my sleeping pills

lately they have not been doing effect very accurately

i guess i have to increase the doses

and i though i was ready to face it

ready to just look back and feel no pain

or at least control myself

when looking at our old memories

when you walked away

all the pictures

all of them

that included me and you

or just you

all the smalls runaways we had

i was not strong enough

and i dont think i will ever be

strong and cold enough

to simplily delete anything

those are my precious memories

all the laughter

all the happy moments

all the hugs and kisses

the memories that keep me alive

i could not erase

as i dont want to erase you

but every picture

that reminded me of you

was separated in a folder

called "memories"

i moved everything

even the pictures when we were just friends

the ones at the chinese place

the ones at the volcano

the ones at vishnu..

and of course every picture

since may 2009...

i though i was strong enough to look at them

and i tried

as a self-test

3 lines

i scrolled down 3 simple lines

and i could not look anymore

it was not a drown scream

it was more like a roar

a blare...

coming from my insides

like reopening a wound

and making it deeper

having the knife

slashing twice the flesh

why am i able to feel this?!

all this time i have been training myself to endure

mentally, sentimentally, physically

i have been working hard

to be independent!

i have become independent as people is referred

but i will not lie

i feel lonely

because is not the same

the hug from a friend

than a hug from the person you love

the hug i have been longing for

the smoothness of your lips...

longing for you

again

i cried myself to sleep

i dreamt about you

and i woke up at early morning

previous to dawn

with a strange feeling within me

familiar

yet distant

the feeling i identified later

as the same sensations

that i had

when i drank of your blood...

that extasis

that make my senses go sharp

and my mouth water

the feeling of being fully aware

to my surrounds

paying attention to everything

and nothing in particular

and i stood looking at the empty darkness

of my room

feeling shivers from my toes

to my cheeks

again the taste of alcohol in my mouth

and the smell of your cologne

inside my nose

the sorrow was not as strong as before

i was numbed by the sensations

i was able to pull myself together

sometimes i wonder

what do you miss?

you say you miss the past...

what is the past?

what do you mist about the past?

you never said you miss ME

as an individual, as a human being

you miss the past...

do you miss the feeling of joy?

the fact that you were the universe for one person?

the fact that there was a person who did everything

reachable at her hands to make you happy?

the experience of being with a new person?

the sensation of being important?

of being really loved?

the feeling of having someone

who treated you as the most fragile being on earth?

the fact that your heart was in a platinum pedestal

being worshipped and loved?

you never said anything about me...

because if what you miss is

what you used to feel

how you were treated

you can find that

in any other person

you are good looking

you can get a girl who treat you as

the prince you want to be treated

you would not need me

you can make other person

love you as you want to be loved

i wonder why

i wonder how

i wonder when

i wonder who

always wondering

always subject to the uncertainness

always feeling the doubt

i think i have said this before

but...wondering hurts

i will not have the corce and the hair done

this month at least

why?

just for the heck of it

i got my ps3

and adan, a friend sold me some games

very cheap actually

assasain creed and burn out paradise

i bought the cellphone i wanted

the Satio

im happy for my new stuffs

about this weekend

i will not go to jazz cafe

why?

i just declined the invitation i had very politely

but directly enough to make my point clear

this week

i realized

the steps i have really moved on

are baby steps

i want to be with my friends

my old nice circle of friends

the ones i can make myself a fool in front of

and we will laugh together

fuck new people...

i still dont know about sunday

probably your family will do something

so i am almost sure our little meeting cant be

tomorrow,friday i will try to get my cellphone connected

and get the motherboard for my PC

last weekend i was on a picnic with isaac

we got lost in the forest

leaves forest

we had the awesome idea

of getting out of the trail

and we ended up in the middle of the pure forest

it was raining

and we only had a bag or marshmallows

we lunched hot dogs

and ended up soaking wet

because it was pouring rain

and it ended witha bong of weed

talking about his issues with dani

the girl he have problems with

and you...as always...my issue

at work?

finally getting the hang of it

at home?

i argue a lot with my grandma

same issue as always

she said i was too skinny

today i rejected breakfast too

probably as soon as i get home

the never ending argument will start all over

i invited isac and kro

to test the ps at my home

this on saturday

tomorrow i get paid

i need to get myself out of debts

and create a savings account

with or without you

i want to visit paris

i dont care that the wound would reopen

someday

i will visit paris

and i will cry you

in front of the eiffel tower

and i will walk

at autumn

i will see the wind playing with orange and yellow leaves

at place monseu

and let the tears dry on the way down the cheeks

under l" arc de triuph

last night

i had to run

to maurice clinique

because michi

mimi, mia, my cat

the one with many names...

she was hurted

in the tail

dr said she broke her tail

there was 2 options

cut the tail or surgery

they shaved the half of her body and the tail

she looks weird

but is in so much pain

it makes my heart break

when she looks at me saying meow

unable to stand up

she was in such pain

she pissed herself

i had to clean her up

carefully...

dr gave me 3 shots of some medicine

to be inyecting her

to ease her pain

until she have the surgery

i have to get her on saturday

for the surgery

tails are important for the balance of kitten

so i dont want to cut hers off

so here i am

i open myself to you

i expose my wounds

is up to you

to make them deeper or not

this was my week so far

i wonder how was your week, how are you doing....

love of my life

-------------------------------------SABRINA---------------------------------

Song of the week : From Autumn To Ashes - Autumn's Monologue

here i'm in between darkness and light
bleached and blinded by these nights
where im tossing and tortured til dawn
by you, visions of you then youre gone
the shock lifts the red from my face
when i hear someone's taking my place
how could love be so thoughtless, so cruel
when all, all that i did was for you

i break in two over you
i break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life
but you dont see me you dont..

Quote of the week

being forgotten is worse than death - Freya Crescent final fantasy IX

I dont miss our past.... i miss YOU....our past is just a way to remember you between my memories