WEEK11

awake....

fully awake...

i though i was moving on...

i though i was strong enough...

to live up to your memory

on tuesday i had

what i call

a "despertonazo"

even almost 3 months later

i though the times when i had those kind of experiences were over

is like if someone sudenly drop a bucket of iced water

all over your body

usually start with uneasyness and anxiety

and then colors start to change

usually become cyann or magenta

so all around me had a magenta tone on it

world was magenta and black

then the nausea begin

and then i became dizzy

then, i just got blind

everything is faded in black

this usually last only a few seconds

yesterday it lasted what i believed between 3 to 5 minutes

i had to go to the bank yesterday so i took the 5pm bus at ultra park

there was a lot of traffic so i started to see elfen lied in the ipod

when the driver made stop in front of subway

and opened the door

with all the rain

the cold and humid air

hit my face

and i sensed the drops of rain

i got off the bus

at the second i stepped on the street side

everything started

the world became magenta and then black

i knew i was in front of subway

so blindly i reached the crystal window

and stood there waiting

until everything went back to normal

i am used to this kind of sensations

a few seconds

but it lasted minutes

and then

the feelings started to wake up

all in a sudden

like swallowing an ice cube

it automatically came to my mind

the chorus of the song i was listening

when i was waiting for you

at your street

the night i was going to pick my stuffz

"just promise to keep your heart broken"

and my olfative memory recalled

your perfume

i have a very good memory

i remember the people by their smell

i remember the cologne my ex ex used

when we dated for the first time

i remember the smell of my english teacher perfume

the day i graduated

i remember the smell of my mom perfume

the day she pulled my hair all the way upstairs

so there is no way i can missmell your perfume

cold by benetton...

i sensed that smell

almost tasted the rash of the alcohol in my mouth

so i know

no one was near me wearing that cologne

it was a memory

like everything else

so i stood touching the crystal wall

in the rainy night

until i felt better

then it came

again the coldness in my chest

again the shaking in my hands

again, all over again, chills down the spine

the scream burning my throat

my stomach writhing in pain

and me grinning my teeth to not to burst in tears

then i ran, all the way to the bus stop

it was raining, i waited for the bus

completely absort in my own thoughts

i got home, said hi to mom and dad

said i was going to sleep

and shut my door

then i tried to let the pain out

the only was i could think of

but...

writting, or drawing did no good

is in those times

when the insanity is just way too much

i looked for a blade

but could not find one sharp enough

so i just screamed

drowning my yells with pillows

and having synthetic dreams

again the sleep paralysis

at least that night

i could go back to sleep quickly

or at least i lost my memory and conciousness

my mom said i scream

in the first hours of dawn

but i dont remember having an attack

when i woke up

i believed it was over

but it has not..

all Wednesday i stood "awake"

completely "awake"

that's why i said

sometimes i believe you spy on me...

funny you remembered about the bungee jumping

funny you were actually sharp and accurate

to mention it THAT day

out of nowhere

then...

i had the stupid idea

of test myself

on wednesday night

one simple test i said

a small proof of my endurance

as soon as i got out of my work

and as fast as i could, went home

i relaxed, took a hot bath

drank a glass of oath

took my sleeping pills

lately they have not been doing effect very accurately

i guess i have to increase the doses

and i though i was ready to face it

ready to just look back and feel no pain

or at least control myself

when looking at our old memories

when you walked away

all the pictures

all of them

that included me and you

or just you

all the smalls runaways we had

i was not strong enough

and i dont think i will ever be

strong and cold enough

to simplily delete anything

those are my precious memories

all the laughter

all the happy moments

all the hugs and kisses

the memories that keep me alive

i could not erase

as i dont want to erase you

but every picture

that reminded me of you

was separated in a folder

called "memories"

i moved everything

even the pictures when we were just friends

the ones at the chinese place

the ones at the volcano

the ones at vishnu..

and of course every picture

since may 2009...

i though i was strong enough to look at them

and i tried

as a self-test

3 lines

i scrolled down 3 simple lines

and i could not look anymore

it was not a drown scream

it was more like a roar

a blare...

coming from my insides

like reopening a wound

and making it deeper

having the knife

slashing twice the flesh

why am i able to feel this?!

all this time i have been training myself to endure

mentally, sentimentally, physically

i have been working hard

to be independent!

i have become independent as people is referred

but i will not lie

i feel lonely

because is not the same

the hug from a friend

than a hug from the person you love

the hug i have been longing for

the smoothness of your lips...

longing for you

again

i cried myself to sleep

i dreamt about you

and i woke up at early morning

previous to dawn

with a strange feeling within me

familiar

yet distant

the feeling i identified later

as the same sensations

that i had

when i drank of your blood...

that extasis

that make my senses go sharp

and my mouth water

the feeling of being fully aware

to my surrounds

paying attention to everything

and nothing in particular

and i stood looking at the empty darkness

of my room

feeling shivers from my toes

to my cheeks

again the taste of alcohol in my mouth

and the smell of your cologne

inside my nose

the sorrow was not as strong as before

i was numbed by the sensations

i was able to pull myself together

sometimes i wonder

what do you miss?

you say you miss the past...

what is the past?

what do you mist about the past?

you never said you miss ME

as an individual, as a human being

you miss the past...

do you miss the feeling of joy?

the fact that you were the universe for one person?

the fact that there was a person who did everything

reachable at her hands to make you happy?

the experience of being with a new person?

the sensation of being important?

of being really loved?

the feeling of having someone

who treated you as the most fragile being on earth?

the fact that your heart was in a platinum pedestal

being worshipped and loved?

you never said anything about me...

because if what you miss is

what you used to feel

how you were treated

you can find that

in any other person

you are good looking

you can get a girl who treat you as

the prince you want to be treated

you would not need me

you can make other person

love you as you want to be loved

i wonder why

i wonder how

i wonder when

i wonder who

always wondering

always subject to the uncertainness

always feeling the doubt

i think i have said this before

but...wondering hurts

i will not have the corce and the hair done

this month at least

why?

just for the heck of it

i got my ps3

and adan, a friend sold me some games

very cheap actually

assasain creed and burn out paradise

i bought the cellphone i wanted

the Satio

im happy for my new stuffs

about this weekend

i will not go to jazz cafe

why?

i just declined the invitation i had very politely

but directly enough to make my point clear

this week

i realized

the steps i have really moved on

are baby steps

i want to be with my friends

my old nice circle of friends

the ones i can make myself a fool in front of

and we will laugh together

fuck new people...

i still dont know about sunday

probably your family will do something

so i am almost sure our little meeting cant be

tomorrow,friday i will try to get my cellphone connected

and get the motherboard for my PC

last weekend i was on a picnic with isaac

we got lost in the forest

leaves forest

we had the awesome idea

of getting out of the trail

and we ended up in the middle of the pure forest

it was raining

and we only had a bag or marshmallows

we lunched hot dogs

and ended up soaking wet

because it was pouring rain

and it ended witha bong of weed

talking about his issues with dani

the girl he have problems with

and you...as always...my issue

at work?

finally getting the hang of it

at home?

i argue a lot with my grandma

same issue as always

she said i was too skinny

today i rejected breakfast too

probably as soon as i get home

the never ending argument will start all over

i invited isac and kro

to test the ps at my home

this on saturday

tomorrow i get paid

i need to get myself out of debts

and create a savings account

with or without you

i want to visit paris

i dont care that the wound would reopen

someday

i will visit paris

and i will cry you

in front of the eiffel tower

and i will walk

at autumn

i will see the wind playing with orange and yellow leaves

at place monseu

and let the tears dry on the way down the cheeks

under l" arc de triuph

last night

i had to run

to maurice clinique

because michi

mimi, mia, my cat

the one with many names...

she was hurted

in the tail

dr said she broke her tail

there was 2 options

cut the tail or surgery

they shaved the half of her body and the tail

she looks weird

but is in so much pain

it makes my heart break

when she looks at me saying meow

unable to stand up

she was in such pain

she pissed herself

i had to clean her up

carefully...

dr gave me 3 shots of some medicine

to be inyecting her

to ease her pain

until she have the surgery

i have to get her on saturday

for the surgery

tails are important for the balance of kitten

so i dont want to cut hers off

so here i am

i open myself to you

i expose my wounds

is up to you

to make them deeper or not

this was my week so far

i wonder how was your week, how are you doing....

love of my life

-------------------------------------SABRINA---------------------------------

Song of the week : From Autumn To Ashes - Autumn's Monologue

here i'm in between darkness and light
bleached and blinded by these nights
where im tossing and tortured til dawn
by you, visions of you then youre gone
the shock lifts the red from my face
when i hear someone's taking my place
how could love be so thoughtless, so cruel
when all, all that i did was for you

i break in two over you
i break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life
but you dont see me you dont..

Quote of the week

being forgotten is worse than death - Freya Crescent final fantasy IX

I dont miss our past.... i miss YOU....our past is just a way to remember you between my memories