WEEK 9

Sickness

the feeling of being at the edge of the abyss

my panic attacks are getting out of control

happy anniversary darling

remember may 3oth, one year ago

you and i

asked each other

to be a couple?

i still remember you needed help

because you were a little too shy?

peoples tittles?

the promises of forever?

i said i love you

and you used to love me back

memories, all i can live on now

i cant depend on anyone anymore

and i feel lonely

i cant depend on randAll anymore

neither on kro

i would kill fa if i see him

ale is busy enough

isaac is with me, when hard situation comes around

i can only talk to him

at the most desperate moment

i rather be alone

just to not depend on anyone

to "parasite"

my weekend is foggy

hard to remember

i did not wanted to be councious

on the 30

still i had an attack

at kros house

it was a mess

kro told isaac she loved him

and kissed him

isaac was so shocked ha had to literally run away

i stood with kro

trying to confort him

and then tried to see how things were with isaac

and after all the mess

kro yelled at me

reminding me about you

telling me you still cared about me

but you are hurt

i know you are

fuck, i do

i would rip my hear with no second thoughts

if with that you would be near to me

or me near to you

i need you like air to breath

i tecnically DONT need you

i am not dependant anymore

but i want to want you

i want to need you

not because you are the main center of my universe

but i want to share the universe around me with you

no one else but you

i am always fixing issues between people

because i cant even fix mines

kro and isaac, doing fine i guess

kro had very bad reactions to issac

then i was involved

because kro kind of kissed me

because she said

men are shit

but at the end

but i am glad they did just fine

how can kro stand being his friends

knowing how much she loved him?

i wish i were that cold

i cant even smell someone using the same perfume as you do

because my heart start racing

like crazy

and my mind get foggy

teary eyes

and i have to run away from

wherever i might be

i am a lot stronger now

im slowly walking away from randall and carito

why keep being iin places i am not wanted?

i need no one

i see Isaac as my closest friend now

he has been through a lot

and still i can NOT

talk to him

and still have confort looking at the wall

or talking about time travel or physic theories

i am becomming less feeling

and more logical

on monday i felt sick and i had a panic attack

at kros house

she called isaac

and he came

but they had to call 911

they were too scared to know what to do

at the end isaac realized

i was just too scared

and he hugged me

until i felt sleep

luckily i did not had to go to the hospital

but...

i am loosing weight too fast

and i dont feel okay

i dont want to be this skinny

but the nausea dont let me eat

anything solid

but my grandparents

i see them fighting everyday

dad have constand fever and cold

mom have eyebags and this sick look in her eyes

and both cough continuosly

i have to be strong

i have to tak care of them

if i fall there is no one

who will or can catch me?

never take friendship personal

quite true words...

rather wise....

my feelings have not changed

since the day we swore a forever at the bayside

only the stars listened to us

i cant go back in time

and you dont know what you want

if you are with someone

and have strong feelings for that person

dont betray the trust

i die to be with you

but i know the pain of being the other girl

i dont want to be again

and i dont want anyone to be, because of me

i love you

i still keep my swears

over blood

over my word

maybe i need to get away

i will travel far away as soon as i get paid

i need to swim at night

on a calm sea

just float around

looking at the stars

until i can not sea the shore anymore

scream

cry

laught

until my lungs explode

i wish to take you there

and sing along hey there delilah

1,2,3,4...

do some fishing

and feel you heartbeat next to mine

but when i look at the scars in my wrist

where i completely traspased my wrist

from upside the arm all the way downside

and i remember the tubes

entering in my body

the pain

the wish of just screaming leave me alone to the drs

the nausea

the fact that i could not walk because my legs

were not responding

and i was afraid that maybe they never would

the echoing sounds of the hospital

the nights i stood awake

looking at the clock in the white

wall of the bedroom

seeing people around me

people who would have given everything to dont be where they were in that time

i remember the foggy memories

and i say to myself

this is real

this is me

no more dreaming

i still wait for you baby

i love you forever

i promised

but

i cant hope you to love me back

is an ilution

is a dream

a beautiful dream

but as soon as i wake up

i stand in the same spot

and you are not next to me

and the wonder cross my mind

and you know

wandering really hurts

This is week 9 since you walked away

i wonder how you do so far

i hope you are fine

love of my life....

-------------------Sabrina---------------

Song o fthe week

You're the reason I come home.

You're the reason I come home, my love.

You're the reason that when everything I know falls apart...

Well, you're the reason I come home

You are the reason i come home by ron pope

Quote of the week

Many of us spend our whole lives

running from feeling with the mistaken belief

that you cannot bear the pain.

But you have already borne the pain.

What you have not done

is feel all you are beyond the pain.

~ St. Bartholomew

Happy aniversary darling,

you remember when we looked at each other after dusk

and swore love promises at the bay side?

i left a white rose in our tree...

just to not forget and honor

one of the best days of my life...