WEEK10

Hopeless...thats all i can say

Why i am doing this to myself?

Talking with you... kind of hurts

joking with you....hurts even more

talking about your girlfriend...kind of kills me

remembering stuff... i wish i were dead

i cant accept you are not comming back

there is a HUGE battle within me

moral vs desire

because i want you so bad

i would do anything

i have planned like getting you drunk

or high

kidnapping you like we used to run away

just to be with you

and my moral side

tells me

no girl deserve

to be cheated

besides

i dont even know her

probably is prettier than me

better in every single way

you told me she event go to university...

i dont even know what to do with my life so far...

and looks like you are happy with her

i am happy and sad at the same time

happy cuz someone else is making you happy

sad because that one is not me

and my moral side tells me

there is no point in being the second girl

i had never been a whore

i am old style

respecting the beliefs of monogamy

i want to be like my grAndmother

I want to be with someone and only this person

as this person have only me

I dont believe in fairytales anymore

at least not for me

probably my heart will close

and i would be a dissaster

is just matter of time you know?

but that is ok

you told me my life is a hell disguised as heaven

im not blind

i see that

but thats what i choose

and is a lifetime desition

Im becoming cold with people

i try to not, but is just happening

i will try harder to remain as you remembered me

like that season, the happiest of my life so far

when we danced between fireflies

and all was smiles and kisses

how i miss our old times

as i told you i cant

no one cant

return in time to live past once again

i told you there is a future in blank

to write new stories

you continue with yours

and i ended mine the day you walked away

im stuck between realms

and i DONT want to move on

At least as heart issues is related

i am telling everyone i do

i move forward

i go out with guys

just to disimulate with my friends

i am moving

but it stays as simple dates

my lips are getting dry

is funny

my lips only gets dry when i have not

kissed in a long time

i always said kisses were my chapstick

i guess i will use cherry flavored chapstick

on now on...

i still have the song "everywhere" in my head

with the only difference I AM alone

is funny

you think i am a junkie

i dont do drugs always

neither am i an alcoholic

basically i only use weed

when i am with Issac

and have to be in cookies

i dont like smoking

and alcohol

only when i have a place to crash

and weekend only of course

until i get my appartment at least

i got the place already

i need to buy a few stuffs

and i will move ASAP

for now i think i will move alone

I Told isaac to come with me

but until he gets a job

he is not gonna be a lazy ass

at least if i am around

i survive literally feeding with air and coffee

and some waffle cookies i found on the expending machine on the floor

kind of light and vanilla flavored

any other kind of food

i just puke it

i tried i tried

result is the same

my grandma is worried

so i pretend i eat

is not a dissorder

because i dont want to not to eat

but i guess

in big scale i can say i kind of have it

at least i am getting skinnier

i go to the gym at weekend

almost all day

just to distract myself

but i torture myself

listening songs that made me think about you

is funny

at the gym

my trainer, and all the gym people

know that i cry while i excersice

i still cant sleep at night

something really weird has been happening lately

when i sleep , the few hours i am able to sleep

i suddenly wake up

and i have a sleep paralysis

you know what is right?

i wake up and i cant move

and i wake up with horrible headaches

and i feel goosebumps

Awful goosebumps

all over my body

and i always see the same

the little black haired girl

dressed in white

looking down

i always try to scream

mami, mami, mami!

thats when i always try to scream

but i never can

the girl is always looking at her hands, looking down, like

ashamed or scared

i never can talk to her

because i cant move

i gess i will just get used

Is funny how mind can [play tricks on me

lately i am drawing a lot

and also learning to paint

im no good though

i am teaching myself how to play the guitar

as soon as i get paid

i will re-do my white hair

massive shopping

piercing corse

and cellphone

i got the phone i wanted like 60.000 more cheap

than the guy whom i was gonna buy the cel

but it will take longer to receive it

i will still tattoo the jetch symbol somewhere in my body

i believe it will ve on thhe back of the neck

or the chest bone

i was thinking to get it on my hand

in the finger i used the ring you gave me

but in such small space it will not be appreciated

i will get a swallow too, do you know what

a swallow mean?

"-In Egyptian love poetry, the swallow declares the dawn of new love.

-Actually, all swallows return home to San Juan Capistrano every year. So the tattoos were used to say that you will always come home. They are a sign of loyalty, pride to both regions and people.

-The swallow is a bird that chooses a mate for life. Therefore a swallow tattoo is also a symbol for love and loyalty to the family.

Other symbolic meanings in the same line:

-The return home after a struggle

-A hardship survived

-A victory gained."

that is what wiki says and well; nothing represent better

what i feel for you

i9 have not said it in a long time

neither i have written it

but

"I love you"

i hope you understand that i might act

as your friend

talking with you and so on

but i dont see you as a friend

i see you like an unreachable dream

like is you and me

were separated by a crystall wall

i can see you

you can see me

but i cant get to touch you

i cant hear your heartbeat

and it hurts

because i know

i could try to break it

but per respect i dont

so i sit alone in the front on the wall

just looking at you

i wont give up living though

i have dreams and wishes

besides of you

i havent cooked since a long time ago

i sew dolls

i have been doing clothe dolls, a lot

i cut the fabric

use yarn as hair

and buttons as eyes

i did the first one a long time ago

the night i went to your house to pick a few stuffs

i was going to give it to you

but you were so cold

your face was stoned

and you wanted to get rid of me quickly

so i kept it

i sleep with it every night

in fact the one i made

looked like you

i like to do them as mini mes of the people

i sew a lot

distracts me

i do so many thing to distrac myself of you

sometimes i cant handle them all

i read like a library worm

have you ever heard of a book called "the Ghost girl"

thats the one i am reading right now

kind of describes me

without the pop art of course

in july i will have my own photo exposition

i have to take a lot of piks

i already choose the theme

is going to be called "memories"

and i will go to all the places ww shared an special moment

i have to go to mall san pedro

puntarenas, conchal

cross mt

leaf forest

natukisa

the american embassy

the play ground we stayed

whe we walked under the rain

just for fun

in heredia,

santa cecilia, remember?

and of course my beloved quincho.

13 months ago i kissed you for the first time, remember?

i will never forget yout warm cheek against mine

both hearts beating fo fast

i could hear yours in your chest

and of course

your paranoia everytime someone was behind you

on friday i willget a demonia boots

i ordered them already

they are pretty

i cant wait for the corce as well

a guys invited me to jazz cafe escazu that same friday

he is a brigadist, a nice person

he flirt a lot but i made sure

he understand not interested

Also there is a guys, a math-physcian

that wants to date me

but he is big and have BIG mucles

he is a excersiseholic

you know that kind of guys scare me , like a LOT

but i am NOT looking for a relationship, of anykind

with anyone but you...

I want to be with you...

the song, beautiful world

made me cry

how i wish for you to be the one

that actually dedicates the song to me

but dreams are dreams, right?

I dont really know what to think

or what to believe

but as far as me concern

you are unreachable

and hurts

in work?

doing average

not the best not the worst

but i am getting a hang of it

fathers day is getting closer

i dont know what to give my dad

i want to take him to dinner

to portoalegre

he would really be happy, you know?

i am doing the paperwork

to get my liscence

i finally talked to ericka

she already dissocuped the car

i want my car

to run away all weekends

to the beach

to the mountain

wherever i can run away

with or without company...

how i miss our old times

i really do

i have learned to pretend

in front of people

the happiest girl alive

im just a hypocrite you know...

i finally finished the song

for L30.... talks about you, you know

is kind of rude

but as i told you,

in front of everyone else

i hate you....

even if my true feelings are the completely oposite

wanna see it?

i will post it on my other blog

my poetry

phantasmagoriabynina.blogspot.com

lately i have to wear the clother i used when i was 15 years old

in my high school times

because they fit me again

and my usual clothes

fit me very loose now

i want to eat

i wish i could

i curse fabio with every single cell

of this body

i fould in my old wallet

the drawing you did

when we were at the clinique

when you accompanied me

to my appointment of psychiatry

the one you draw in the newspaper paper

an eiffel tower

two persons holding hands

and a heart

1,2,3,4.... i love you

funny thing i am listening to

hey there delilah...

i even got the video in my ipod

you tell me you and your girl argue a lot

is better to argue and kep things clear

than saving things and just explote

you were the one you told me that, remember?

i wish she would make you happier

so you dont have to experience the hell

you told me you live at nights

i wish i could hold you all night long

so the feelings or solitude and sorrow

could vanish away...

on weekend i will do nothing cuz i have no money at all

probably isaac visit me

oh wait! saturday i think randall invited me

to see some movies at his house

i hope we can all go

ran kro isaac and me

carito.... probably be there

so i have to wave my tail

but if fabio is there

ill shred him

piece to piece

but ran told me he is not invited

so i guess is ok....

that is my week so far

missing you

waiting for you

with pain in my heart

lying,pretending,smiling

hopelesssly hoping

for you to come back

i wonder how was your week

love of my life?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------SABRINA-------------------------

Song of the week beautiful world by utada hikaru

It’s only love
It’s only love

moshimo negai hitotsu dake kanau nara
kimi no soba de nemurasete donna basho de mo ii yo
Beautiful world
mayowazu kimi dake wo mitsumeteiru
Beautiful boy
jibun no utsukushisa mada shiranai no

Traduccion:

It´s only love.
It´s only love.
Si me concedieras sólo un deseo,
Por favor, déjame dormir junto a ti.No importa dónde.
Beautiful World.
Te miro sólo a ti.
Beautiful boy.
Todavía no sabes lo hermoso que eres.

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Quote of the week:

“As memory may be a paradise from which we cannot be driven, it may also be a hell from which we cannot escape.”

John Lancaster Spalding