I Dont believe i can take it anymore...

I cant take it anymore
Someone told me
suicide is only an option
when you had the most perfect day of your life
and you fear
tomorrow will be a shit again
how i am longing for that perfect day
i cant stop the tears
i cant die
but how i wish the hole in my chest heals
how i wish to scream out loud
i love you so much
that i hate you!
i cant sleep
there is no second
in which a memory of us pierce open my heart
WHY THE FUCK DID YOU MADE ME FEEL SUCH ILLUSION!!!!!
if we would break up clean
but after we broke
you saw me
you said you still liked me
you hugged me
you kissed me
you even physically "loved" me
was i AGAIN A DAMN DOLL?!?!?!!?!?!?!
As always
as every person i have ever met and get involved with
a toy...?
i do my best
but hey im not good
now that i need someone
who i can trust
i realized
there is no one there!!!!!
i pushed everyone away
the person i love the most
my grandmother
is being eaten inside out by a bacteria
her face is already full of wounds
and scars
i got no one
i have never ever felt so desperate
i have never felt so let down
I never felt this way
I just want this pain to end
but my grandmother is what keeps me going
for her i fight
i never felt so small
so defenseless
i just need a hug
a caring one
my grandmother cant do it anymore
her disease is highly contagious
she wont let me get near her
and she is now the only thing i have left.
I cant
I cant take it anymore
this pain is busting out my chest
fill my lungs with cold air
making it hard to breathe
is there any human
out there
anyone
who can actually show me
humanity is not only the cold programmed mass
of bastards, liars, sluts, sons of a bitch and cheaters?
Isnt there anyone who can actually call me
to see how am i doing!
i feel so abandoned
by people
by human touch
by love
by hope
by you
even by life
i dont need to suicide
i am already a fucking marionette
i am every person little jock
i am every person porcelain doll
i am every person broken princess
i am every person toxik toy
you know what is the funny part
Even if these words are desperate
full of hate
and despair
each piece of my bleeding heart
loves you
each small piece of sanity that in me remains
desperately wish you to be back
my chest experience
physical pain
each time
the though of not being with you anymore
comes to my mind
I cant take it anymore
my mind cant
my soul cant
my heart cant
But as long as my body walks
and my heart beats
and my lungs breathe
i will wait for you
and keep fighting for her.